Post 9 - HO, HO, HO...HERE WE GO

The days of another holiday season are quickly melting away.  For me it begins with Black Friday and ends January 2nd.  For those 38 days I am consumed with planning, gift buying, scrambling to see family and friends, baking, cooking, decorating and craft making.  On top of the holiday activity there are also significant anniversaries and birthdays.  Lots of energy, time and money spent thinking about and executing creative holiday and celebratory moments.  I wake and retire each day with thoughts and ideas.  My mind races with my perceptions of others expectations, wants and needs.  Moreover, I strive to think beyond to achieving the element of surprise and elation.  How will my gifts be received?  Will I succeed in my goal of creating happiness for my family and friends?

If I could only stop the holiday train and get off for just a moment I might see something truly amazing.  A gift that requires no driving, line sitting or credit cards.  A gift that is available to all no matter what age, financial means or belief system.  A gift truly from the heart and filled with Love.  Perhaps if I took a moment I could see that the best gift I could give is the gift of me. 

In my haste to buy the perfect gift, plan the perfect event, create the perfect holiday experience for my family I forget that it is me, my presence, my attention, my Love that my family really craves.  So if I'm spending 38 days running here, there and everywhere physically, mentally and emotionally trying to make this holiday season perfect and memorable, but I lose sight of the ultimate gift I have to give then are all of those efforts for naught?

Certainly my family celebrates Christmas, birthdays and anniversaries with presents, events, family gatherings and all of the things I think about daily during this time of year...those things create tradition, lasting memories and add value to all of our lives.  Do I have the wherewithal to give my family and friends both?  Can I give all of myself and also give the tradition? 

I am not sure I can answer that objectively.  Surely I can replay the past few days and the events of this holiday season to date and present them with a positive perspective to confirm that I, indeed, am capable of achieving it all.  After all, that is really how I see it.  But it's not about what I see or feel.  It's about how I am perceived by my family and friends.  Do they feel my presence physically and mentally, or do they see only the stress that sometimes weighs on my being, and the malaise I described in previous posts?  Do they see joy emanating from my actions, or do they see me rushing and forcing my way through holiday tasks?  Questions worth asking them and answers worth considering each and every year as I find myself caught up in the hustle bustle of this season.

Post 8 - THE FORCES OF REALITY

I am, for the most part, a believer in logic, reason and science.  It only makes sense (to me) that every being on earth and beyond came into existence as a result of some sort of scientific evolutionary process.  Molecules exist as a reaction to some event.  They come together in varying states to form living and non-living things.  Molecules co-exist and react with and because of each other. 

However, all that being true (at least in my perception), there are also things I find unexplainable through scientific analysis.  I have seen evidence of what I would consider mystical happenings and miraculous changes in fate.  I have spent time in prayer and had my prayers answered.  I have personally had experiences that suggest there is more than science contributing to our experiences and the occurrence of events.  I believe I have witnessed specific evidence of non-scientific forces at work.

The best example I have of this is the events of my dad's illness and eventual passing last year.  He was diagnosed with sinus and later brain cancer, underwent numerous and radical surgeries and hospitalizations during the three months he suffered with the disease.   During one of the hospitalizations he coded and required emergency resuscitation due to a problem with his tracheotomy.  Luckily the doctors brought him back.  After recovering from the ordeal, he conveyed details of a vision where he floated throughout the hospital.  He provided a description of the waiting room, which he had never been in, and named everyone he knew who was in that room or elsewhere in the hospital while he was gone.  The facts he provided could not have come from his own recollection or knowledge.  How can that be explained by science?

As my dad's condition worsened, and he was in his last moments, all of his loved ones came to his bedside.  I had to work that day so I was delayed in arriving to the hospital.  When I arrived my sister directed me to the room, indicating that there wasn't much time left.  I entered the room, filled with extended family and friends, hugged my mom...and just as I did that we all witnessed my dad take his last and final breath.  You can call it a coincidence, but I don't believe that...I believe my dad, once again, was present in that room in another form and willed his body to hold on until all of us were there.  Nobody can explain medically how a body can survive when it should otherwise have expired...except to say that there is a force driving the process which is removed from scientific explanation. 

I suppose it can be said that all of this is simply my perception of reality, and that my specific, molecular and physiological make-up causes chemical reactions that dictate this interpretation of my experiences.  Believers of this explanation would extend that theory to my dad's near-death experience.


How do any of us really KNOW the truth about what is driving our individual and collective experiences?  I don't think this is something that any of us are meant to know.  Perhaps the answer is not a definitive answer at all, but rather a continuum of multi-dimensional thoughts and possibilities.   

Post 7 - THIS NOISE IS DEAFENING

For the past week I have been feeling off and haven't quite been able to put my finger on what is causing it, or exactly what the feeling is.  I just know that I feel flat, unable to focus and disinterested in things that normally would bring me joy.  Is it money worries, relationship woes, my job, missing my dad who passed away, stress of the holidays and upcoming events?  One of those things alone could cause this feeling, but I can't say that it's truly any of those things or a combination of them.  Am I suffering from some sort of depression?  Perhaps.

Finally this morning it hit me...NOISE...there is so much noise in my life.  I'm not speaking only of audible noise, but also noise in my head.  I feel like I am at a heavy metal concert every waking hour.  My thoughts consist of short bursts of must dos, schedules, and should do more of.  At any given moment my brain is holding all of the information that allows me to function as a mom, as a wife, as a professional woman and as an individual.  The details of those roles are vast.  On top of what's going on in my head, physically I hear my husband and kids making verbal demands, the dogs barking, the baby crying, music...I see a messy house, a disastrous yard, a disorganized office, mounting debt...I  am on overload. 

I've begun to forget simple things - words, names, numbers, grocery items, where my keys are.  This week I drove to work forgetting that the baby was sleeping in the back of the car.  Luckily I remembered while I was en route.  It's scary and I feel as if I'm losing my mind...losing the edge and wit I once had.  I find it hard to concentrate and focus at work.  I feel dazed most of the time.  Is there something wrong with me, or is it just the noise?   What am I doing wrong and why can't I manage the noise?  It's not unlike noise I've encountered before in my life.  Others are able to function under graver circumstances.  Or are they?   Maybe other people just don't complain as much about it, or deny it's there, or maybe other people are better able to quiet the noise.     

I know this didn't happen due to lack of attention to my spiritual self, which I find sometimes to be the culprit for bad feelings.  In fact, I've been studying Evolutionary Enlightenment by Andrew Cohen and War of the Worldviews:  Science vs. Spirituality by  Deepak Chopra and Leonard Mlodinow.  Some very interesting perspectives in both of those books.  I feel connected to concepts from all three of these visionaries. 

Cohen speaks directly to what I am currently experiencing in that he explains how we can use meditation to quiet noise and attain a state of awareness void of time, void of noise and void of everything.  He describes this as a state of nothingness, but blissful nothingness.  I am drawn to the possibility of experiencing that state, but intimidated by the art of meditation.  I attempt meditation during the few opportunities I have to attend Quaker meeting on a Sunday morning.  There have been those instances where I feel I transcended the physical world sitting in the meetinghouse and lost time, lost myself in nothingness, but those were only very brief flashes.  I can also recall this experience during Savasana at the end of Yoga, but again very brief.  My noise always interrupts and pulls me back. 

During a conversation with a close friend one day, she described the phenomenon Cohen explains.  She told me that she spends hours hiking in the woods near her home.  While hiking she is able to attain this state of consciousness where time melts away and she feels a perfect joy.  Just speaking of the experience lightens up her face and she shines from the inside out.  She is almost brought to tears simply sharing the experience.  I didn't really appreciate the gift she was giving me at the time I had the conversation with her, but after reading Cohen I now know how incredibly fortunate she is to have achieved such perfect meditation.  I am now in awe of her gift. 

So I'm thinking that one way I could attempt to quiet the noise is to practice meditation.  But when, where, how?  My house is chaos...I have no time to myself...what if I fail?  What if I can't meditate and just frustrate myself further?  I need to resolve these fears and try it...

Post 6 - FOLLOW, FOLLOW, FOLLOW, FOLLOW, FOLLOW MY EGO NO MORE

The biggest revelation I have made through my studies is that my perception of the world is NOT the same as those with whom I interact.  The way I interpret a scenario is based on many factors, including my past experiences, my personality, my fears and insecurities, my senses, etc.  Moreover, the way I view everything I encounter is likely to be a reflection of some part of myself.  What I had previously believed to be reality, I now understand is not reality at all, but only my impression of it.

My Ego uses this perception to shape my reaction to whatever I may be experiencing.  It leads me to have a self-centered view on the world.   When left unchecked, my Ego can convince me that I need to take a selfish stance in every situation order to protect my well being.  If I don't I will be a victim and succumb to the hurt that others may inflict on me.  My Ego leads me away from Love and into a place of distrust, solitude and negativity.  It will project past negative experiences into the present and seek to replicate those negative experiences - usually finding something to validate its mission. 

For instance, my husband might say to me "maybe you could have handled that conversation with your daughter a little better."  Instead of seeing this as an opportunity to learn something, my initial reaction (whether I think it or actually say it) is likely to be:  "No I couldn't have...I said it that way because...".  My Ego compels this reaction and dictates that I am right and must defend myself.   My Ego doesn't stop there, it then goes on to attack my husband - having me believe that my husband is at fault for having the gall to say such a thing to me. How dare he judge my interactions with my daughter!  Unfortunately a topic as simple as this can invoke such defensive emotion and anger inside of me that I could be mad at him for days.

But if I only took the time to look deeper into my reaction, and step back and see that my defensiveness on the topic of parenting may stem from many factors having nothing to do with that particular conversation with my daughter.  It may have been a result of a subconscious fear that I am not a good parent.  It may also come from past experiences where my behavior has been scrutinized and I have been harshly judged.  It may come from some place even darker.

From my husband's perspective, which is removed from all of my Ego based justification, he made the statement out of Love, not only for me but for my daughter as well.  He wants to help both of us with this issue and to foster a deeper relationship with me and between my daughter and I.  He can't possibly know the darkness that my Ego brings to the situation.  So from his perspective, he was only trying to help and now has a wife that isn't speaking to him.

Seems so easy to see where I made the mistake - right?  I could have chosen to view my husbands intentions with Love, but I chose to blame him instead.  I could have had an intimate, warm and wonderful conversation with my husband during which I may have learned something, but instead I chose a path that led us away from Love and into anger and resentment.  All because of factors that had nothing to do with my husband or the conversation.

In another scenario - a mom in the park viciously admonishing her child, grabbing his arm and seemingly overreacting because he was running away from her.   My first reaction to that mom's behavior might be to judge her for being so harsh with her child.  I might think to myself that she doesn't have the patience or tolerance to be a mom - that she is missing the joy of watching her son be so care-free.  I might even label her in my mind as a bad mom  The next moment, when I saw the mom on her knees hugging the child with tears running down her face I'm sure my assessment of the situation would be vastly different, and I would feel like an ass for even having those thoughts. 

How could I have known that the woman had a pet who was hit by a car the week before?  How could I have known that she had reacted with fear that she might lose her child as well?  I couldn't have known those things, but I could have perceived the situation with Love instead of with Ego driven thoughts.  I could have approached that situation from the beginning with compassion and sympathy, and perhaps even offered to help.  I could have used Love to brighten some one's day. 

I know all of this to be true about my Ego.  I know that although it appears I need to use Ego based thought to navigate safely through life, following it can have consequences far worse than had I applied Love.   Seems like a no-brainer, but I know that my Ego is strong and it is tricky and manipulative.  At times I can believe I am using Love, but in reality it is just my Ego's reaction disguised.  My Ego is also faster on the draw than Love at times.  It arrives on the scene and sets the path way before I am able to even contemplate the application of Love.  Is it just an inherent flaw in my personality that causes Ego driven thoughts to take hold first, or does it happen to everyone?  It can't happen to everyone - I know people who ALWAYS react with Love and compassion - or do they?  Maybe that is just my perception...maybe if I was in their head I would see a different picture...

Post 5 - A MIRACULOUS SPIRITUAL AWAKENING

Before I get too far in this blog using terms such as Love, Ego, Fear, etc. I should explain how I came to learn about those topics and why they are so important to my current spiritual well being. 

There was a time in my not-too-distant past that I believed spirituality and religion were one and the same.  I was baptised, took Holy Communion and confirmed in the Lutheran faith.  I attended Sunday school each week, and even assisted teaching a class as I got older.  I did what I was expected to do in church - sang the hymns, recited the creeds, took Communion and listened to the Pastor's sermons.  I believed that the interpretation of the Bible that I was presented with was what I needed to accept and believe in order to be worthy in God's eyes.  With the exception of the Christmas Eve candle light service, there was no time where I felt inspired or spiritually fulfilled by attending church.  It was just something I was supposed to do...or else.  As I got older I stopped attending church throughout the year and only went on holidays (Christmas Eve and Easter) or for weddings.  Let's face it, it's easy to feel warm and fuzzy during the holidays and at weddings.

I do remember praying each night as I laid in bed from a very young age on.  Mostly simple things like "Please don't let me get sick", "Please keep all of us safe" or even "Please let it snow so we don't have school tomorrow".  Eventually that practice disappeared at some point - probably by the time I went to college. 

So from about the age of 18 until 34 I would say I was "flying solo".  During that time I believed that even if there was a God I was certainly not worthy to speak to Him, and definitely not directly.  I believed that I was solely responsible for everything that occurred in my life...the good, bad and ugly.  I listened to and relied on my inner voice (which I now refer to as my Ego),  in every instance.   My thoughts and actions were self-centered and selfish.  I took every action my voice told me was necessary to protect myself and aimed at the pursuit of my own happiness - regardless of the impact my actions had on others.  My ability to justify my actions was well refined, and I could easily convince myself that I was making wise choices and I was in control at all times.  Despite my incredible talent at justification, I often suffered from overwhelming guilt, anxiety and regret.

Many things happened during that period of my life - marriage, the birth of my daughter, divorce, and a serious relationship that ended in heart-break - only to name a few.  The most incredibly emotional times in my life, but at no point did I rely on God or my "spirituality" to help me through.  Mostly because I had no spirituality or belief that God was accessible to me. 

It was after my long-term relationship ended that my world started spinning out of control.  I felt consuming depression, loneliness and desperation.   I came to the conclusion that I must have some character flaw which led to the crash.  Admittedly, this conclusion wasn't purely a self-realization, it was influenced by conversation over lunch with a friend (now my husband) on the topic of God and spirituality.  He was the first person EVER in my life to tell me that it didn't matter whether I went to church, didn't pray often, didn't believe in a particular religion, etc. - God was still there to listen and everyone is worthy of prayer.  He went on to tell me about his God - a God who employed forgiveness and love in all instances and who brought about miracles.  His words resonated and I was in awe of his peace and enlightenment.  I sat with his offerings for awhile not knowing what to do with what I had heard.  I felt confused and scared - certainly I couldn't be wrong about everything???

One day I was browsing in a book store and somehow ended up in the self-help isle.  (Yes, feeling slightly embarrassed at the possibility that I was being labeled by all with a big "L" on my forehead for lingering in that section.)  Nonetheless I fixated on a book by Marianne Williamson:  "The Gift of Change".  I read the back and a few pages in the middle.  I was amazed how the concepts seemed to make sense.  I sat down in the bookstore and began reading from the beginning. Marianne introduced and explained the concepts of Love, Fear, Ego, Miracles, God, and Spirituality in a way I had never before even remotely contemplated.  She related those concepts to her life and to current events.  Her sentiments and ideas were practical, yet mystical in a way that wasn't supernatural.  She didn't appear to rely on any particular religious teachings to reach the conclusions she expressed.  It was like a light went on inside of me.  I was instantly inspired and bought the book. 

I spent the next few weeks studying Marianne's words carefully - marking pages, taking notes, etc.  The more I read the more I realized that these concepts made sense to me - it was almost as if she was talking directly to me.  I bought more of her books, then "A Course in Miracles".  I researched other authors who she referenced.  My studies expanded to Deepak Chopra, Gerald Jampolsky, Eckhart Tolle and more.  I began analyzing my past, my behavior, my relationships, and re-evaluating everything that I knew about myself.   With this influence, and that of my friend (same friend and now husband), I began a journal and started writing about my relationships, behaviors, daily frustrations, etc.  I ALSO started praying regularly.  I found the more time I devoted to studying and working on my spirituality the better I felt. 

It is only now, years later, that I recognize the miracles I was blessed with on the day of that lunch with my friend and at the bookstore - representing the first two of many miracles to come in my life in subsequent years...now that I am looking and able to see them.

Post 4 - THE OTHER SIDE OF LOVE

All that being said about Love...and I will have much, much more on the topic...I would be remiss if I didn't spend some time talking about how incredibly HARD it is to employ Love in all situations and at all times.  I don't want any of you to think that I believe myself to be supremely enlightened or otherwise superior in my ability to apply the principals that I speak of.    Oh, believe me, I am not and I struggle.

I guess I would consider myself a moderately sensitive person, so the stimuli and interaction I engage in generally has some impact on my mood.  How much impact depends on a lot of things - including hormonal changes (yes, PMS), the amount of adversity/negativity that I was exposed to just prior, past memories of situations where I was hurt or experienced fear, how sturdy the material is that I used to build my walls, and so on. 

The perfect storm of hormones, fear, and adversity and I may dig myself so deep into anger, resentment and negativity that I may not recover for days.  I can feel it, like a heavy, wet blanket weighing on my back.  The anger is fierce and biting - all is wrong in the world and it's everyone else's fault.  I fall into the darkness of isolation and self-loathing.  I lash out at the kids and my husband.  I dump it all on my best friends in endless rants.  I contemplate actions that I otherwise would NEVER even consider.  (Luckily I have enough self-restraint to avoid acting on most of those thoughts!)  It is, at times, very ugly and makes me feel like a failure...the insecurity of course perpetuating the cycle.   

My logical/rational mind knows this behavior is destructive to my well being and that of everyone around me.  I know I have a choice...So why does it STILL HAPPEN?  Am I just inherently a bad person?  Is all this Love, spirituality and God talk just BS that people tote to make themselves feel better?  If Love is so good for all, why is it so difficult to achieve?

Post 3 - LOVE, LOVE, LOVE

LOVE

Call me a hippy, but seems to me Love is where it's all at. Love is the answer to every puzzling question. Love is THE universal connection of all human beings.

"Hatred paralyzes life; love releases it. Hatred confuses ; love harmonizes it. Hatred darkens life; love illuminates it." Martin Luther King.

There are many ways we can define Love, but to me none of them truly would do the concept justice.   Most significantly is Love directed to another human being....romantic love and platonic love. Those of us who have been fortunate enough to have experienced either can attest to the feelings, but probably have vastly different descriptions of the phenomenon.  I know that when I feel love...really feel love (and not just say the words), I am smiling, I feel physically warm, my heart speeds up, sometimes I might hold my breath for a few seconds - I see beauty and Light in the person to whom my Love is directed and I am undoubtedly in awe of the sight and touch of that person. At times the feeling of Love brings me to the verge of tears. I can see nothing but the Love and it permeates to my perception of all else. Time stands still. It is wonderous, it is beautiful and it is a feeling I strive to achieve every day.

But aside from those feelings, most of which represent physical manifestations of romantic Love, or being "in love", what about the every day Love that sustains our happiness, our relationships, and life in general? The kind of Love that allows you to forgive, the kind of Love that allows you to view another individual (friend, family, partner OR stranger) without judgment, even if they have taken action that has caused you pain, or posses obvious flaws in character? How do you describe THAT feeling?

To me Love (romantic or platonic) is the ultimate feeling of elation, forgiveness, happiness, respect, peace, serenity and safety.  The experience of Love can be spiritual, physical or both.  When most speak of Love they are referring to romantic Love, or familial Love, but to me it's more.  Love is a higher awareness, residing with our spiritual self and capable of bringing about infinite joy, peace and happiness to those who can successfully harness its power.  When one is able to truly harness the power of Love and apply that power, that achieved state of being represents true reality and everyone around them benefits.   (Ok, so admittedly I do have Luther Vandross lyrics invading my consciousness after that...)  But really, it may sound hokey, corny, cliche or whatever, but isn't it true?  Isn't it true that when you are able to see another person with Love in your heart, it makes you more open, forgiving, generous, etc., benefiting not only yourself, but everyone else around you?  There is a definite change in your affect, and either consciously or not, you emit happiness.

Granted, achieving that higher Love isn't easy, and I fail at least once a day (ok, maybe more like once an hour) achieving true reality by applying Love to a given situation.  Sometimes I realize my mistake and sometimes it goes unnoticed.  Those times when I recognize the mistake I try to turn it around and say "how could I have applied Love to this situation and changed the outcome for all?"  Other times, even if I recognize the mistake, my ego commands that I justify it by assigning external blame - resulting in an EPIC FAIL (to use a term my teenage daughters have been throwing around lately). 

My goal every day is to apply Love more often than I was able to the day, hour or moment before. 


 

Post 2 - PLOTTING THE JOURNEY

I've given this blog some thought over the past few days.  I have to admit I've been tempted to change the title and use the blog as an outlet for my daily frustrations and, at times, seething anger.  This week, and recent weeks past, have been a challenge to say the least.  My job has been incredibly stressful, frustrating, draining and blah, blah, blah.  I could go on for days recounting the sordid details of life in my professional world...then I could continue indefinitely with rants about my relationship with my husband, and easily mix in a tirade or two... or ten... on my kids.  I'm sure I could throw in quite a few expletives along the way and really work myself into a tizzy.  No doubt many can and would relate and be happy to perpetuate the sentiments.

BUT...sorry guys, that would be way too easy and not at all beneficial to me...or to you.  Having an outlet for all that is fine, but for My Journey I expect more of myself and want to embark on a more thoughtful exploration.  The way I see it, it's easy to allow the anger and negativity to take hold and to keep feeding it with more and more negative energy, but it's infinitely more difficult to work through those feelings and get to the other side.  I couldn't get to the center of me without choosing the latter.

There are a few topics that I have identified as being crucial to the exploration into the center of me....

Love
Fear/Ego
Spiritual Awareness/Religious Perspective
Relationships - (Motherhood - Wifehood - Friend and Familyhood)
Career
Happiness

I propose a slow, methodical look into each of these areas, from my perspective, from the perspective of those who have previously explored, and from your perspective.  Each individual topic could take months or even years to cover every nook and cranny, but perhaps we can find a way to define each topic without limiting the validity of the exploration.  Or not...maybe we just surrender and follow the journey wherever it may lead...

                                                    

Day 1 - BEGINNING "A JOURNEY TO THE CENTER OF ME"

The first step in any journey is to simply recognize it as such.  This morning, during a valued moment of solitude and serenity, I began reflecting on my life and how it came to be what it is today.  Themes and topics came to mind such as spirituality, relationships, lessons, fears, happiness, ego, talents, careers, education and of course love.  Questions followed - What do those things mean to me...what has my life been thus far...what defines me...what makes me happy...where do I want to be...how do I get there?  My mind was swimming with ideas and the desire to explore.  

As usual, during my 40 minute drive to work I called my best friend to check in.  She began describing her experiences at a retreat she had attended this past weekend.  Medical and other professionals from many fields attended and gave workshops discussing everything from herbal alternatives to discussion on childhood inoculation, relaxation techniques, women's health issues and spiritual fulfilment.  It was an interactive forum of women who shared viewpoints, experience and expertise freely. She described in detail one speaker who she felt particularly connected to and inspired by.  She relayed thoughts and ideas, struggles and questions similar to the very ones I had been thinking on all morning.  I instantly got goosebumps listening to her speak, not only at the content, but also at the irony of the timing.

Not an epiphany or leap in logic in any way, but it occurred to me that maybe I could collaborate with others who sought to answer some of the same questions I was asking...Maybe "My Journey" didn't have to be so self-centered or self-interested...after all, how could "My Journey" be based in honesty and integrity if it lacked unbiased review and input.  In fact, how could "My Journey" have ANY value without input from varying perspectives.

So, here I am...beginning "My Journey...A Journey to the Center of Me" TODAY.  First step accomplished....set up a blog.  Next step...scope out content, frequency and marketing plan.  Stay tuned!