Before I get too far in this blog using terms such as Love, Ego, Fear, etc. I should explain how I came to learn about those topics and why they are so important to my current spiritual well being.
There was a time in my not-too-distant past that I believed spirituality and religion were one and the same. I was baptised, took Holy Communion and confirmed in the Lutheran faith. I attended Sunday school each week, and even assisted teaching a class as I got older. I did what I was expected to do in church - sang the hymns, recited the creeds, took Communion and listened to the Pastor's sermons. I believed that the interpretation of the Bible that I was presented with was what I needed to accept and believe in order to be worthy in God's eyes. With the exception of the Christmas Eve candle light service, there was no time where I felt inspired or spiritually fulfilled by attending church. It was just something I was supposed to do...or else. As I got older I stopped attending church throughout the year and only went on holidays (Christmas Eve and Easter) or for weddings. Let's face it, it's easy to feel warm and fuzzy during the holidays and at weddings.
I do remember praying each night as I laid in bed from a very young age on. Mostly simple things like "Please don't let me get sick", "Please keep all of us safe" or even "Please let it snow so we don't have school tomorrow". Eventually that practice disappeared at some point - probably by the time I went to college.
So from about the age of 18 until 34 I would say I was "flying solo". During that time I believed that even if there was a God I was certainly not worthy to speak to Him, and definitely not directly. I believed that I was solely responsible for everything that occurred in my life...the good, bad and ugly. I listened to and relied on my inner voice (which I now refer to as my Ego), in every instance. My thoughts and actions were self-centered and selfish. I took every action my voice told me was necessary to protect myself and aimed at the pursuit of my own happiness - regardless of the impact my actions had on others. My ability to justify my actions was well refined, and I could easily convince myself that I was making wise choices and I was in control at all times. Despite my incredible talent at justification, I often suffered from overwhelming guilt, anxiety and regret.
Many things happened during that period of my life - marriage, the birth of my daughter, divorce, and a serious relationship that ended in heart-break - only to name a few. The most incredibly emotional times in my life, but at no point did I rely on God or my "spirituality" to help me through. Mostly because I had no spirituality or belief that God was accessible to me.
It was after my long-term relationship ended that my world started spinning out of control. I felt consuming depression, loneliness and desperation. I came to the conclusion that I must have some character flaw which led to the crash. Admittedly, this conclusion wasn't purely a self-realization, it was influenced by conversation over lunch with a friend (now my husband) on the topic of God and spirituality. He was the first person EVER in my life to tell me that it didn't matter whether I went to church, didn't pray often, didn't believe in a particular religion, etc. - God was still there to listen and everyone is worthy of prayer. He went on to tell me about his God - a God who employed forgiveness and love in all instances and who brought about miracles. His words resonated and I was in awe of his peace and enlightenment. I sat with his offerings for awhile not knowing what to do with what I had heard. I felt confused and scared - certainly I couldn't be wrong about everything???
One day I was browsing in a book store and somehow ended up in the self-help isle. (Yes, feeling slightly embarrassed at the possibility that I was being labeled by all with a big "L" on my forehead for lingering in that section.) Nonetheless I fixated on a book by Marianne Williamson: "The Gift of Change". I read the back and a few pages in the middle. I was amazed how the concepts seemed to make sense. I sat down in the bookstore and began reading from the beginning. Marianne introduced and explained the concepts of Love, Fear, Ego, Miracles, God, and Spirituality in a way I had never before even remotely contemplated. She related those concepts to her life and to current events. Her sentiments and ideas were practical, yet mystical in a way that wasn't supernatural. She didn't appear to rely on any particular religious teachings to reach the conclusions she expressed. It was like a light went on inside of me. I was instantly inspired and bought the book.
I spent the next few weeks studying Marianne's words carefully - marking pages, taking notes, etc. The more I read the more I realized that these concepts made sense to me - it was almost as if she was talking directly to me. I bought more of her books, then "A Course in Miracles". I researched other authors who she referenced. My studies expanded to Deepak Chopra, Gerald Jampolsky, Eckhart Tolle and more. I began analyzing my past, my behavior, my relationships, and re-evaluating everything that I knew about myself. With this influence, and that of my friend (same friend and now husband), I began a journal and started writing about my relationships, behaviors, daily frustrations, etc. I ALSO started praying regularly. I found the more time I devoted to studying and working on my spirituality the better I felt.
It is only now, years later, that I recognize the miracles I was blessed with on the day of that lunch with my friend and at the bookstore - representing the first two of many miracles to come in my life in subsequent years...now that I am looking and able to see them.
There was a time in my not-too-distant past that I believed spirituality and religion were one and the same. I was baptised, took Holy Communion and confirmed in the Lutheran faith. I attended Sunday school each week, and even assisted teaching a class as I got older. I did what I was expected to do in church - sang the hymns, recited the creeds, took Communion and listened to the Pastor's sermons. I believed that the interpretation of the Bible that I was presented with was what I needed to accept and believe in order to be worthy in God's eyes. With the exception of the Christmas Eve candle light service, there was no time where I felt inspired or spiritually fulfilled by attending church. It was just something I was supposed to do...or else. As I got older I stopped attending church throughout the year and only went on holidays (Christmas Eve and Easter) or for weddings. Let's face it, it's easy to feel warm and fuzzy during the holidays and at weddings.
I do remember praying each night as I laid in bed from a very young age on. Mostly simple things like "Please don't let me get sick", "Please keep all of us safe" or even "Please let it snow so we don't have school tomorrow". Eventually that practice disappeared at some point - probably by the time I went to college.
So from about the age of 18 until 34 I would say I was "flying solo". During that time I believed that even if there was a God I was certainly not worthy to speak to Him, and definitely not directly. I believed that I was solely responsible for everything that occurred in my life...the good, bad and ugly. I listened to and relied on my inner voice (which I now refer to as my Ego), in every instance. My thoughts and actions were self-centered and selfish. I took every action my voice told me was necessary to protect myself and aimed at the pursuit of my own happiness - regardless of the impact my actions had on others. My ability to justify my actions was well refined, and I could easily convince myself that I was making wise choices and I was in control at all times. Despite my incredible talent at justification, I often suffered from overwhelming guilt, anxiety and regret.
Many things happened during that period of my life - marriage, the birth of my daughter, divorce, and a serious relationship that ended in heart-break - only to name a few. The most incredibly emotional times in my life, but at no point did I rely on God or my "spirituality" to help me through. Mostly because I had no spirituality or belief that God was accessible to me.
It was after my long-term relationship ended that my world started spinning out of control. I felt consuming depression, loneliness and desperation. I came to the conclusion that I must have some character flaw which led to the crash. Admittedly, this conclusion wasn't purely a self-realization, it was influenced by conversation over lunch with a friend (now my husband) on the topic of God and spirituality. He was the first person EVER in my life to tell me that it didn't matter whether I went to church, didn't pray often, didn't believe in a particular religion, etc. - God was still there to listen and everyone is worthy of prayer. He went on to tell me about his God - a God who employed forgiveness and love in all instances and who brought about miracles. His words resonated and I was in awe of his peace and enlightenment. I sat with his offerings for awhile not knowing what to do with what I had heard. I felt confused and scared - certainly I couldn't be wrong about everything???
One day I was browsing in a book store and somehow ended up in the self-help isle. (Yes, feeling slightly embarrassed at the possibility that I was being labeled by all with a big "L" on my forehead for lingering in that section.) Nonetheless I fixated on a book by Marianne Williamson: "The Gift of Change". I read the back and a few pages in the middle. I was amazed how the concepts seemed to make sense. I sat down in the bookstore and began reading from the beginning. Marianne introduced and explained the concepts of Love, Fear, Ego, Miracles, God, and Spirituality in a way I had never before even remotely contemplated. She related those concepts to her life and to current events. Her sentiments and ideas were practical, yet mystical in a way that wasn't supernatural. She didn't appear to rely on any particular religious teachings to reach the conclusions she expressed. It was like a light went on inside of me. I was instantly inspired and bought the book.
I spent the next few weeks studying Marianne's words carefully - marking pages, taking notes, etc. The more I read the more I realized that these concepts made sense to me - it was almost as if she was talking directly to me. I bought more of her books, then "A Course in Miracles". I researched other authors who she referenced. My studies expanded to Deepak Chopra, Gerald Jampolsky, Eckhart Tolle and more. I began analyzing my past, my behavior, my relationships, and re-evaluating everything that I knew about myself. With this influence, and that of my friend (same friend and now husband), I began a journal and started writing about my relationships, behaviors, daily frustrations, etc. I ALSO started praying regularly. I found the more time I devoted to studying and working on my spirituality the better I felt.
It is only now, years later, that I recognize the miracles I was blessed with on the day of that lunch with my friend and at the bookstore - representing the first two of many miracles to come in my life in subsequent years...now that I am looking and able to see them.
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