For the past week I have been feeling off and haven't quite been able to put my finger on what is causing it, or exactly what the feeling is. I just know that I feel flat, unable to focus and disinterested in things that normally would bring me joy. Is it money worries, relationship woes, my job, missing my dad who passed away, stress of the holidays and upcoming events? One of those things alone could cause this feeling, but I can't say that it's truly any of those things or a combination of them. Am I suffering from some sort of depression? Perhaps.
Finally this morning it hit me...NOISE...there is so much noise in my life. I'm not speaking only of audible noise, but also noise in my head. I feel like I am at a heavy metal concert every waking hour. My thoughts consist of short bursts of must dos, schedules, and should do more of. At any given moment my brain is holding all of the information that allows me to function as a mom, as a wife, as a professional woman and as an individual. The details of those roles are vast. On top of what's going on in my head, physically I hear my husband and kids making verbal demands, the dogs barking, the baby crying, music...I see a messy house, a disastrous yard, a disorganized office, mounting debt...I am on overload.
I've begun to forget simple things - words, names, numbers, grocery items, where my keys are. This week I drove to work forgetting that the baby was sleeping in the back of the car. Luckily I remembered while I was en route. It's scary and I feel as if I'm losing my mind...losing the edge and wit I once had. I find it hard to concentrate and focus at work. I feel dazed most of the time. Is there something wrong with me, or is it just the noise? What am I doing wrong and why can't I manage the noise? It's not unlike noise I've encountered before in my life. Others are able to function under graver circumstances. Or are they? Maybe other people just don't complain as much about it, or deny it's there, or maybe other people are better able to quiet the noise.
I know this didn't happen due to lack of attention to my spiritual self, which I find sometimes to be the culprit for bad feelings. In fact, I've been studying Evolutionary Enlightenment by Andrew Cohen and War of the Worldviews: Science vs. Spirituality by Deepak Chopra and Leonard Mlodinow. Some very interesting perspectives in both of those books. I feel connected to concepts from all three of these visionaries.
Cohen speaks directly to what I am currently experiencing in that he explains how we can use meditation to quiet noise and attain a state of awareness void of time, void of noise and void of everything. He describes this as a state of nothingness, but blissful nothingness. I am drawn to the possibility of experiencing that state, but intimidated by the art of meditation. I attempt meditation during the few opportunities I have to attend Quaker meeting on a Sunday morning. There have been those instances where I feel I transcended the physical world sitting in the meetinghouse and lost time, lost myself in nothingness, but those were only very brief flashes. I can also recall this experience during Savasana at the end of Yoga, but again very brief. My noise always interrupts and pulls me back.
During a conversation with a close friend one day, she described the phenomenon Cohen explains. She told me that she spends hours hiking in the woods near her home. While hiking she is able to attain this state of consciousness where time melts away and she feels a perfect joy. Just speaking of the experience lightens up her face and she shines from the inside out. She is almost brought to tears simply sharing the experience. I didn't really appreciate the gift she was giving me at the time I had the conversation with her, but after reading Cohen I now know how incredibly fortunate she is to have achieved such perfect meditation. I am now in awe of her gift.
So I'm thinking that one way I could attempt to quiet the noise is to practice meditation. But when, where, how? My house is chaos...I have no time to myself...what if I fail? What if I can't meditate and just frustrate myself further? I need to resolve these fears and try it...
Finally this morning it hit me...NOISE...there is so much noise in my life. I'm not speaking only of audible noise, but also noise in my head. I feel like I am at a heavy metal concert every waking hour. My thoughts consist of short bursts of must dos, schedules, and should do more of. At any given moment my brain is holding all of the information that allows me to function as a mom, as a wife, as a professional woman and as an individual. The details of those roles are vast. On top of what's going on in my head, physically I hear my husband and kids making verbal demands, the dogs barking, the baby crying, music...I see a messy house, a disastrous yard, a disorganized office, mounting debt...I am on overload.
I've begun to forget simple things - words, names, numbers, grocery items, where my keys are. This week I drove to work forgetting that the baby was sleeping in the back of the car. Luckily I remembered while I was en route. It's scary and I feel as if I'm losing my mind...losing the edge and wit I once had. I find it hard to concentrate and focus at work. I feel dazed most of the time. Is there something wrong with me, or is it just the noise? What am I doing wrong and why can't I manage the noise? It's not unlike noise I've encountered before in my life. Others are able to function under graver circumstances. Or are they? Maybe other people just don't complain as much about it, or deny it's there, or maybe other people are better able to quiet the noise.
I know this didn't happen due to lack of attention to my spiritual self, which I find sometimes to be the culprit for bad feelings. In fact, I've been studying Evolutionary Enlightenment by Andrew Cohen and War of the Worldviews: Science vs. Spirituality by Deepak Chopra and Leonard Mlodinow. Some very interesting perspectives in both of those books. I feel connected to concepts from all three of these visionaries.
Cohen speaks directly to what I am currently experiencing in that he explains how we can use meditation to quiet noise and attain a state of awareness void of time, void of noise and void of everything. He describes this as a state of nothingness, but blissful nothingness. I am drawn to the possibility of experiencing that state, but intimidated by the art of meditation. I attempt meditation during the few opportunities I have to attend Quaker meeting on a Sunday morning. There have been those instances where I feel I transcended the physical world sitting in the meetinghouse and lost time, lost myself in nothingness, but those were only very brief flashes. I can also recall this experience during Savasana at the end of Yoga, but again very brief. My noise always interrupts and pulls me back.
During a conversation with a close friend one day, she described the phenomenon Cohen explains. She told me that she spends hours hiking in the woods near her home. While hiking she is able to attain this state of consciousness where time melts away and she feels a perfect joy. Just speaking of the experience lightens up her face and she shines from the inside out. She is almost brought to tears simply sharing the experience. I didn't really appreciate the gift she was giving me at the time I had the conversation with her, but after reading Cohen I now know how incredibly fortunate she is to have achieved such perfect meditation. I am now in awe of her gift.
So I'm thinking that one way I could attempt to quiet the noise is to practice meditation. But when, where, how? My house is chaos...I have no time to myself...what if I fail? What if I can't meditate and just frustrate myself further? I need to resolve these fears and try it...
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