Post 6 - FOLLOW, FOLLOW, FOLLOW, FOLLOW, FOLLOW MY EGO NO MORE

The biggest revelation I have made through my studies is that my perception of the world is NOT the same as those with whom I interact.  The way I interpret a scenario is based on many factors, including my past experiences, my personality, my fears and insecurities, my senses, etc.  Moreover, the way I view everything I encounter is likely to be a reflection of some part of myself.  What I had previously believed to be reality, I now understand is not reality at all, but only my impression of it.

My Ego uses this perception to shape my reaction to whatever I may be experiencing.  It leads me to have a self-centered view on the world.   When left unchecked, my Ego can convince me that I need to take a selfish stance in every situation order to protect my well being.  If I don't I will be a victim and succumb to the hurt that others may inflict on me.  My Ego leads me away from Love and into a place of distrust, solitude and negativity.  It will project past negative experiences into the present and seek to replicate those negative experiences - usually finding something to validate its mission. 

For instance, my husband might say to me "maybe you could have handled that conversation with your daughter a little better."  Instead of seeing this as an opportunity to learn something, my initial reaction (whether I think it or actually say it) is likely to be:  "No I couldn't have...I said it that way because...".  My Ego compels this reaction and dictates that I am right and must defend myself.   My Ego doesn't stop there, it then goes on to attack my husband - having me believe that my husband is at fault for having the gall to say such a thing to me. How dare he judge my interactions with my daughter!  Unfortunately a topic as simple as this can invoke such defensive emotion and anger inside of me that I could be mad at him for days.

But if I only took the time to look deeper into my reaction, and step back and see that my defensiveness on the topic of parenting may stem from many factors having nothing to do with that particular conversation with my daughter.  It may have been a result of a subconscious fear that I am not a good parent.  It may also come from past experiences where my behavior has been scrutinized and I have been harshly judged.  It may come from some place even darker.

From my husband's perspective, which is removed from all of my Ego based justification, he made the statement out of Love, not only for me but for my daughter as well.  He wants to help both of us with this issue and to foster a deeper relationship with me and between my daughter and I.  He can't possibly know the darkness that my Ego brings to the situation.  So from his perspective, he was only trying to help and now has a wife that isn't speaking to him.

Seems so easy to see where I made the mistake - right?  I could have chosen to view my husbands intentions with Love, but I chose to blame him instead.  I could have had an intimate, warm and wonderful conversation with my husband during which I may have learned something, but instead I chose a path that led us away from Love and into anger and resentment.  All because of factors that had nothing to do with my husband or the conversation.

In another scenario - a mom in the park viciously admonishing her child, grabbing his arm and seemingly overreacting because he was running away from her.   My first reaction to that mom's behavior might be to judge her for being so harsh with her child.  I might think to myself that she doesn't have the patience or tolerance to be a mom - that she is missing the joy of watching her son be so care-free.  I might even label her in my mind as a bad mom  The next moment, when I saw the mom on her knees hugging the child with tears running down her face I'm sure my assessment of the situation would be vastly different, and I would feel like an ass for even having those thoughts. 

How could I have known that the woman had a pet who was hit by a car the week before?  How could I have known that she had reacted with fear that she might lose her child as well?  I couldn't have known those things, but I could have perceived the situation with Love instead of with Ego driven thoughts.  I could have approached that situation from the beginning with compassion and sympathy, and perhaps even offered to help.  I could have used Love to brighten some one's day. 

I know all of this to be true about my Ego.  I know that although it appears I need to use Ego based thought to navigate safely through life, following it can have consequences far worse than had I applied Love.   Seems like a no-brainer, but I know that my Ego is strong and it is tricky and manipulative.  At times I can believe I am using Love, but in reality it is just my Ego's reaction disguised.  My Ego is also faster on the draw than Love at times.  It arrives on the scene and sets the path way before I am able to even contemplate the application of Love.  Is it just an inherent flaw in my personality that causes Ego driven thoughts to take hold first, or does it happen to everyone?  It can't happen to everyone - I know people who ALWAYS react with Love and compassion - or do they?  Maybe that is just my perception...maybe if I was in their head I would see a different picture...

Post 5 - A MIRACULOUS SPIRITUAL AWAKENING

Before I get too far in this blog using terms such as Love, Ego, Fear, etc. I should explain how I came to learn about those topics and why they are so important to my current spiritual well being. 

There was a time in my not-too-distant past that I believed spirituality and religion were one and the same.  I was baptised, took Holy Communion and confirmed in the Lutheran faith.  I attended Sunday school each week, and even assisted teaching a class as I got older.  I did what I was expected to do in church - sang the hymns, recited the creeds, took Communion and listened to the Pastor's sermons.  I believed that the interpretation of the Bible that I was presented with was what I needed to accept and believe in order to be worthy in God's eyes.  With the exception of the Christmas Eve candle light service, there was no time where I felt inspired or spiritually fulfilled by attending church.  It was just something I was supposed to do...or else.  As I got older I stopped attending church throughout the year and only went on holidays (Christmas Eve and Easter) or for weddings.  Let's face it, it's easy to feel warm and fuzzy during the holidays and at weddings.

I do remember praying each night as I laid in bed from a very young age on.  Mostly simple things like "Please don't let me get sick", "Please keep all of us safe" or even "Please let it snow so we don't have school tomorrow".  Eventually that practice disappeared at some point - probably by the time I went to college. 

So from about the age of 18 until 34 I would say I was "flying solo".  During that time I believed that even if there was a God I was certainly not worthy to speak to Him, and definitely not directly.  I believed that I was solely responsible for everything that occurred in my life...the good, bad and ugly.  I listened to and relied on my inner voice (which I now refer to as my Ego),  in every instance.   My thoughts and actions were self-centered and selfish.  I took every action my voice told me was necessary to protect myself and aimed at the pursuit of my own happiness - regardless of the impact my actions had on others.  My ability to justify my actions was well refined, and I could easily convince myself that I was making wise choices and I was in control at all times.  Despite my incredible talent at justification, I often suffered from overwhelming guilt, anxiety and regret.

Many things happened during that period of my life - marriage, the birth of my daughter, divorce, and a serious relationship that ended in heart-break - only to name a few.  The most incredibly emotional times in my life, but at no point did I rely on God or my "spirituality" to help me through.  Mostly because I had no spirituality or belief that God was accessible to me. 

It was after my long-term relationship ended that my world started spinning out of control.  I felt consuming depression, loneliness and desperation.   I came to the conclusion that I must have some character flaw which led to the crash.  Admittedly, this conclusion wasn't purely a self-realization, it was influenced by conversation over lunch with a friend (now my husband) on the topic of God and spirituality.  He was the first person EVER in my life to tell me that it didn't matter whether I went to church, didn't pray often, didn't believe in a particular religion, etc. - God was still there to listen and everyone is worthy of prayer.  He went on to tell me about his God - a God who employed forgiveness and love in all instances and who brought about miracles.  His words resonated and I was in awe of his peace and enlightenment.  I sat with his offerings for awhile not knowing what to do with what I had heard.  I felt confused and scared - certainly I couldn't be wrong about everything???

One day I was browsing in a book store and somehow ended up in the self-help isle.  (Yes, feeling slightly embarrassed at the possibility that I was being labeled by all with a big "L" on my forehead for lingering in that section.)  Nonetheless I fixated on a book by Marianne Williamson:  "The Gift of Change".  I read the back and a few pages in the middle.  I was amazed how the concepts seemed to make sense.  I sat down in the bookstore and began reading from the beginning. Marianne introduced and explained the concepts of Love, Fear, Ego, Miracles, God, and Spirituality in a way I had never before even remotely contemplated.  She related those concepts to her life and to current events.  Her sentiments and ideas were practical, yet mystical in a way that wasn't supernatural.  She didn't appear to rely on any particular religious teachings to reach the conclusions she expressed.  It was like a light went on inside of me.  I was instantly inspired and bought the book. 

I spent the next few weeks studying Marianne's words carefully - marking pages, taking notes, etc.  The more I read the more I realized that these concepts made sense to me - it was almost as if she was talking directly to me.  I bought more of her books, then "A Course in Miracles".  I researched other authors who she referenced.  My studies expanded to Deepak Chopra, Gerald Jampolsky, Eckhart Tolle and more.  I began analyzing my past, my behavior, my relationships, and re-evaluating everything that I knew about myself.   With this influence, and that of my friend (same friend and now husband), I began a journal and started writing about my relationships, behaviors, daily frustrations, etc.  I ALSO started praying regularly.  I found the more time I devoted to studying and working on my spirituality the better I felt. 

It is only now, years later, that I recognize the miracles I was blessed with on the day of that lunch with my friend and at the bookstore - representing the first two of many miracles to come in my life in subsequent years...now that I am looking and able to see them.