I've been very aware recently of how easy it is to see defects in other's character, physical appearance, behavior, status, etc., but it is quite challenging to see our own defects...and then one step further - to see that our own defects are reflected in what we perceive about others.
For instance, I had a sick child in my household recently - but a child old enough to take certain precautions against spreading germs (hand washing, use of a single bathroom, and not sharing of food and drink). Inside my head I'm screaming "damn it, why doesn't this child realize that this behavior can expose the rest of the family...WHY can't they just be smart about it!!!" Anger, anxiety and fear were the feelings I was harboring. Of course, my love for this child prevented me from letting on just how disturbed I was feeling. Instead I simply asked that they remember to wash up after using the bathroom, and asked if there was anything I could do.
The behavior continued to bother me...I kept thinking - what was wrong with this child that allowed the behavior to continue without further thought or consideration for the rest of the family?? THEIR defect and inconsiderate behavior. Then, right minded thinking set in...WHOSE defect is this really??? My head was reeling with misdirected anger....this is not the child's defect it is MINE! This child certainly does not want to harm the family, and is not in any condition or position to have the awareness I expected.
The feelings I experienced were, in fact, a reflection of my own fear of germs and illness. MY DEFECT! It was my fear of getting the stomach bug myself, or of having to care for a small child with the stomach bug, causing my thoughts to be focused on that fear - instead of on loving thoughts towards my sick, suffering, child. My brain needed to be in a care-taker mode - what can I do for this sick child? But rather, some of the utility and love I could have provided was blocked by my own defects. Ugh...this is sad, and actually disgusts me. How could I be such a horrible mom?
Another example, I was at a family event recently where two families were coming together with a "get-to-know-you before the wedding" intent. Instead of any of us mingling to achieve the intended purpose of the event, we sat in our respective family circles, ate and left the event after minimal interaction. So where did my head go? Well, of course, "they are very strange, they barely talk, they are snobby, they are....." Although I spoke to one or two members of the other family, I allowed these observations of THEIR defects to guide my behavior. I did not even consider that, likely, they were all thinking EXACTLY the same thoughts about us...and maybe worse. What efforts did we make to mingle? Very little. Missed opportunities on both sides here, but considering I can only account for my own behavior....I missed the opportunity to make some connections that could have resulted in wonderful connections that may have even strengthen our own family bonds.
So its clear that in hindsight I can recognize that I consistently miss out on wonderful opportunities by not first filtering my perception through my awareness of my own defects. This happens to me often. Do you too struggle, and then miss out? How can we move beyond that behavior such that we skip the step of filtering, so that our perception is automatically created by an objective look inside, rather than a projection of our own defects on others? How can we go forth and experience life with love as our filter instead of fear?
For instance, I had a sick child in my household recently - but a child old enough to take certain precautions against spreading germs (hand washing, use of a single bathroom, and not sharing of food and drink). Inside my head I'm screaming "damn it, why doesn't this child realize that this behavior can expose the rest of the family...WHY can't they just be smart about it!!!" Anger, anxiety and fear were the feelings I was harboring. Of course, my love for this child prevented me from letting on just how disturbed I was feeling. Instead I simply asked that they remember to wash up after using the bathroom, and asked if there was anything I could do.
The behavior continued to bother me...I kept thinking - what was wrong with this child that allowed the behavior to continue without further thought or consideration for the rest of the family?? THEIR defect and inconsiderate behavior. Then, right minded thinking set in...WHOSE defect is this really??? My head was reeling with misdirected anger....this is not the child's defect it is MINE! This child certainly does not want to harm the family, and is not in any condition or position to have the awareness I expected.
The feelings I experienced were, in fact, a reflection of my own fear of germs and illness. MY DEFECT! It was my fear of getting the stomach bug myself, or of having to care for a small child with the stomach bug, causing my thoughts to be focused on that fear - instead of on loving thoughts towards my sick, suffering, child. My brain needed to be in a care-taker mode - what can I do for this sick child? But rather, some of the utility and love I could have provided was blocked by my own defects. Ugh...this is sad, and actually disgusts me. How could I be such a horrible mom?
Another example, I was at a family event recently where two families were coming together with a "get-to-know-you before the wedding" intent. Instead of any of us mingling to achieve the intended purpose of the event, we sat in our respective family circles, ate and left the event after minimal interaction. So where did my head go? Well, of course, "they are very strange, they barely talk, they are snobby, they are....." Although I spoke to one or two members of the other family, I allowed these observations of THEIR defects to guide my behavior. I did not even consider that, likely, they were all thinking EXACTLY the same thoughts about us...and maybe worse. What efforts did we make to mingle? Very little. Missed opportunities on both sides here, but considering I can only account for my own behavior....I missed the opportunity to make some connections that could have resulted in wonderful connections that may have even strengthen our own family bonds.
So its clear that in hindsight I can recognize that I consistently miss out on wonderful opportunities by not first filtering my perception through my awareness of my own defects. This happens to me often. Do you too struggle, and then miss out? How can we move beyond that behavior such that we skip the step of filtering, so that our perception is automatically created by an objective look inside, rather than a projection of our own defects on others? How can we go forth and experience life with love as our filter instead of fear?
